I felt like God has left me. I'm a big loser. I lose all of the lucre on earth, and blah, blah, blah. I started to blame other; "this is not my mistake. I've done it correctly. This is just them! Goood, oh my Good Lord, why? I've prayed to You... But nothing has come to me?" etc. etc.
Psychologically, my feelings are normal and can be understood. Predictable, I furiously created excuses from blaming myself. But all of sudden, something calls reality hit me back and I have to admit that I wasn't that grateful to God.
He tried to teach me; "Listen up! I've been pouring you with so many good stuff yet you can't really thank Me and do good about it. Now, I'm pulling your ear a little bit and you gone crazy like this? Be tough!". He woke me up. And on the next several days he replaced it with things that are small but matters. I got Android, I was chosen as Group Leader Coordinator on this year's AFS National Orientation Board, also was trusted as Program Coordinator at Debat Hukum Nasional FH UGM (first time in Faculty of Law's history. Literally, I'm making a history!).
Maybe, Erasmus Lotus is not the best choice for me to develop my legal experience, or it could be not the best place for me to be educated by more about Business Law. Beasiswa PPA? Come on, be positive! Maybe someone who really need it outside there deserve that portion more than you (who will spend the money on some clothes, foods, snacks, and comics). Remember: you can't always get what you want, just like what the Glee cast sings!
When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me: Let them also, with a will, Listen to My call, and believe in Me: That they may walk in the right way. (Al Baqarah: 186)
His beautiful words has enlightened me. He promises that He'll grant my wish, but as the vice-versa I must conduct the best to perform my written duty. I think this could be a lesson for all of us: God is good, but we are too demanding. We know that He is Superkind to His creations, then those creations are taking him for granted (in the same time, they beg Him to anwer their calls). God teaches us not to be so hasty and not to dispair in hopelessness.
He is there, friend. He plans the best for us. We could only throw some effort and pray. Let Him do the rest :)