Friday, May 29, 2015

Stumble to be Revived

I am very grateful with everything I own right now. Yes, it's true that there are a lot of things that I still badly longing for, but for now, everything is just fine.

One thing that I really am grateful for is a freedom to make my own decision. I had stopped, since probably the middle of last year, to be burdened by my parents' expectations. I love them so much and really embrace them, but hey, i am no longer 10 years old kid that need to be told what should I do: hence I took a history program in Leiden! In someone's life time, I believe, there's a moment when you should just rise your flag toward them and proudly make your own decision. This decision turned out to be the best that I've ever made.

I left many of my amazing friends in Indonesia. They who stimulated to work harder, to keep the music inside my heart, to push me writing and to challenge me out of my comfort zones. Several times in our life, there were crisis when we thought that no one can understand us and no one really could be there when we really need them at most. However, living in Holland, with totally new environment and people from different culture made me very grateful to have them that I used to call as friends back in Indonesia. For example, a person that I consider as a closefriend here doesn't care what's going on with me. If I could happily spend time just to wait him so then we can bike together to the campus (its always fun if you can, even for just a simple walk, go somewhere with friends right?), he won't do the same to me. I don't mind to share simple things such as food or unimportant details about my plan on traveling somewhere, my baby nephew's new updates or just some random chats, but apparently those appreciations that I showed to him left not even a bit of trace. Because again and again I always left behind, its always me keep on trying to develop the friendship. Yet still, no long talk with interesting topic that could last over 5 minutes and no invitation for dinner (LOL).

But hey, I, whom got really pissed of this type of friendship suddenly realize: I need to grow up. If back then it was very easy for me to get a new friend (because, not according to me but this is based on my friends' own commentaries about me: I am a cheerful and warm-hearted persona), I actually need to thank this new closefriend of mine whose been ignoring and treating me very unspecial. Why? Because I am a very spoiled brat, after all. I always get everything I want since the pre-historic time. If I got bad grade, its because the teacher sucks, not because me failin' (again LOL, but I seriously keep this as mindset). I realize that I used to work best when I was surrounded by people who love and praise me. Like a bean sprout, I will probably grow tall, slender, green and healthy if a bunch of garden gnomes give me applause every morning (ROTFL). But hey, its true. So, I learn new thing this year: I have no support system, my friend does not show that much of care that I need to be a giant bean sprout, hence I am pretty screwed strugglin' with life. The thing that I lose the most here is the fact that I am super-unproductive: I do not write as much as I used to and I have not created any art performances yet.

I must grow up because this is the real world: no one can always be there for you. I asked for freedom and He granted it for me: free from parental dictations and out of my comfort zone, my friend-circle. BUT, is this what I really want? If during pre-Holland life, when I still have to encounter so many restrictions which bugged me in daily basis, I could be that creative and very much appreciated, then why when I finally got what I always wished for I felt like living inside a cave?

2015 is indeed going to be very awesome. It's May, ladies and gents, and right in the middle of this year I evaluate myself. I need to rediscover myself, set new goals and drink more mineral water. One thing that I really am grateful about being myself is my optimism. I was in the downfall up until yesterday when I got stressed up by thesis' deadline and how crappy was my relationship with friend that I kept on pretending to be my closefriend; but optimism and good faith raised me up again. Nothing is wrong with my surrounding, dear Louie, it's called the world and reality. It's me who need to open up more, listen more, slow down my phase and drink more mineral water.

Will still be staying in Holland for God knows how long, so I must take a good look on this first year's experience then buckle up for the upcoming man. Mercury is retrograde, says the astrological chart. The Holy Month is coming, based on my religious tradition. The spring is about to end and summer will come.

I am resurrected by myself! Spring time for Louie in Hollandia!

29 May 2015

"Allegory of April" by Francesco del Cossa